IS THIS NORMAL?: I love my boyfriend, but I feel insecure in our relationship - HelloGiggles
Make sure you feel good about yourself. Most of the time, relationship insecurities stem from feelings of inadequacy, Dr. Frankie says. Do you tend to feel insecure in your relationships? author of Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy. It can be very hard to see the signs you're insecure in a relationship when you're deep into it. feeling wonderful and confident might leave it feeling more insecure at him if he even considered going anywhere after work without me. Bottom line though — I'd been cheated on by my previous boyfriend.
It can help us to choose better partners and form healthier relationships, which can actually, in turn, change our attachment style.
Finally, it can make us more aware of how our feelings of insecurity may be misplaced, based on something old as opposed to our current situation.
5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships
Our insecurities can further stem from a " critical inner voice " that we've internalized based on negative programming from our past. If we had a parent who hated themselves, for example, or who directed critical attitudes toward us, we tend to internalize this point of view and carry it with us like a cruel coach inside our heads.
This inner critic tends to be very vocal about the things that really matter to us, like our relationships. Take the example of my friend, mentioned above.
First the critical inner voice fueled doubts about his girlfriend's interest in him, then it turned on him. The second he perceived the situation through the filter of his critical inner voice, which told him his girlfriend was pulling away, his mind flooded with terrible thoughts toward himself. One minute, he was just fine. The next minute, he was listening to an inner voice telling him all the ways he couldn't measure up, that he was being rejected.
Relationships shake us up. They challenge core feelings we have about ourselves and evict us from long-lived-in comfort zones.
They tend to turn up the volume of our inner voice and reopen unresolved wounds from our past. If we felt abandoned as a child, the aloof behavior of a romantic partner won't just feel like a current frustration. It has the potential to send us back into the emotional state of a terrified child, who needed our parent for survival. As hard as it may feel to connect our contemporary reactions with beliefs, attitudes and experiences from our early lives, it is an invaluable tool for getting to know ourselves, and ultimately, for challenging behaviors that don't serve us or even fit with our real, adult life.
How to Deal With Relationship Insecurity In order to challenge our insecurity, we have to first get to know our critical inner voice. We should try to catch it each and every time is creeps into our minds. Sometimes, it may be easy. We're getting dressed to go out on a date, and it screeches, "You look awful! Just cover yourself up. He'll never be attracted to you. Don't invest or show her how you feel, and you won't get hurt.
He's probably cheating on you! Here you can learn specific steps you can take to conquer this inner critic and keep it from infiltrating your love life.
As we start to challenge these negative attitudes toward ourselves, we must also make an effort to take actions that go against the directives of our critical inner voice. In terms of a relationship, that means not acting out based on unwarranted insecurities or acting in any ways we don't respect.
Here are some helpful steps to take: It's crucial to keep a sense of ourselves separate from our partner. Daniel Siegel has said, the goal for a relationship should be to make a fruit salad and not a smoothie. If you carry old bricks from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart before.
So if you suspect that you have been making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one from the past, take a moment and consciously reflect on the hurtful qualities of this old, negative relationship, and then think of all the ways your present relationships differ. This small exercise will help you let go of the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present possibilities.
Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage. Too often we amuse ourselves with anxious predictions, deceive ourselves with negative thinking, and ultimately live in a state of hallucination about worst-case scenarios. We overlook everything but the plain, downright, simple, honest truth. When you invent problems in your relationships, your relationships ultimately suffer. Insecurity is often the culprit.
The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive. They feel out of control. They imagine that the driver is not paying attention. Or they may even fantasize that the slight jolting of the driver stepping on the breaks is a sign of doom via an impending collision. They freak themselves out by assuming that the visions they have invented in their mind represents reality. What you need to realize is that there are normal idiosyncrasies to any relationship.
There are ups and downs and mood changes, moments of affection and closeness and moments of friction. These ups and downs are normal. Wanting to be absolutely close and intimate all the time is like wanting to be a passenger in a car that has no driver. Read The Road Less Traveled. Sexual stereotypes as well as attitudes that our influential caretakers had toward themselves and others can infiltrate our point of view and shade our current perceptions.
Critical Inner Voices about the Relationship People just wind up getting hurt. Relationships never work out. Men are so insensitive, unreliable, selfish.
IS THIS NORMAL?: I love my boyfriend, but I feel insecure in our relationship
Women are so fragile, needy, indirect. He only cares about being with his friends. Why get so excited? She is too good for you. As soon as she gets to know you, she will reject you. As we shed light into our past, we quickly realize there are many early influences that have shaped our attachment pattern, our psychological defenses and our critical inner voice. All of these factors contribute to our relationship anxiety and can lead us to sabotage our love lives in many ways.
Listening to our inner critic and giving in to this anxiety can result in the following actions: Cling — When we feel anxious, our tendency may be to act desperate toward our partner. We may stop feeling like the independent, strong people we were when we entered the relationship. As a result, we may find ourselves falling apart easily, acting jealous or insecure or no longer engaging in independent activities. Control — When we feel threatened, we may attempt to dominate or control our partner.
This behavior can alienate our partner and breed resentment. Reject — If we feel worried about our relationship, one defense we may turn to is aloofness. We may become cold or rejecting to protect ourselves or to beat our partner to the punch.7 Things That Make Guys Secretly Insecure
These actions can be subtle or overt, yet it is almost always a sure way to force distance or to stir up insecurity in our partner. Withhold — Sometimes, as opposed to explicit rejection, we tend to withhold from our partner when we feel anxious or afraid.
Perhaps things have gotten close, and we feel stirred up, so we retreat. We hold back little affections or give up on some aspect of our relationship altogether. Withholding may seem like a passive act, but it is one of the quietest killers of passion and attraction in a relationship. Punish — Sometimes, our response to our anxiety is more aggressive, and we actually punish, taking our feelings out on our partner.
We may yell and scream or give our partner the cold shoulder. In this state of fantasy, we focus on form over substance.