Why the man I love can't love me back - The Globe and Mail
Do you want to learn more about a current relationship? If you're curious and . Anyways, I have Asperger's syndrome and recently had to deal with a breakup. I've been in a few relationships, actually broke it off with one a few weeks ago and just wanted to know what your experiences were with the. “Asperger's syndrome is a mild form of autism that makes it difficult, if not Seven months later, I got into a new relationship, and I told her about it. but very linear mindset, a breakup is of no great consequence to them.
But then my boyfriend got a job finally- thank goodness! I thought that would help things. He did eventually move out; however, he gave me only a night's warning "Hey, by the way, I'm moving out tomorrow. Of course I wanted him to move out, but I didn't expect him to literally tell me the night before and then leave the next morning. Just before he left, he stopped, took my hand, and told me how much he loved living with me and that he hoped he'd have the honor of doing it again some day and growing old with me.
Help dealing with a dying NT-Aspie relationship - relationships breakup coping | Ask MetaFilter
It was deeply touching and left me feeling conflicted. But then while I was away for an interview, he texted me that he had apparently only rented his new place for a month and now needed to move back in with me. So, when I returned from my interview, there he was again, with his roomful of dusty possessions and surrounded by junk food wrappers. Things went downhill from there. He was working full-time but had made no effort to pay me back the money he took.
He was living with me without my consent. I won't get in to the details, but I ended up having a panic attack that day. It started with asthma symptoms and anxiety but got worse and worse until I blacked out and had to lie down. I have never had a panic attack or any mental health issues in my entire life, aside from mild anxiety. My boyfriend found me lying on the floor, but didn't know what to do, so he turned right around and left me there and went down to the street to call his sister and ask her what to do.
He came back up 15 minutes or so later to find me even more distressed because he had left me. Since then, I've felt extremely emotionally fragile. He never mentions the money, the panic attack, or any other serious issues. He says that he doesn't like to talk about "negative things," though I've told him that I need him to proactively address what happened in order to rebuild trust and try to fix the damage that has been done.
His own way of fixing things seems to be taking me to places that will make me happy. For example, he'll take me to the store if I need something and recently took me hiking. He comes to see me pretty much every weekend he lives an hour away. I appreciate those things a lot, but I think it will be along time before I feel OK again. I guess I haven't gotten into it much here, but I am nearly certain that my boyfriend has Asperger's, though he has not been diagnosed and would be I'm sure very defensive if I were to bring it up he has been defensive in the past when I noted that he seems to have some memory problems.
Despite having no formal diagnosis, I attribute many of our relationship problems to our inability to communicate with one another due to his being Aspie, and me NT. For example, he often does not express emotions or say sorry for things that hurt me and seems unable to take my perspective or spontaneously assess what emotions I'm experiencing. Meanwhile, I'm sure my need for him to reassure me that he is sorry about taking my money and plans to pay me back must seem irritating and irrational to him.
He loves me more than anyone will ever love me, is more committed than I've ever seen someone be to a partner, wants me to be happy more than anything else, but I feel like he just cannot give me the basic things I need. He did not even tell me good luck the day of my interview, even though I asked him over and over the night before "Please just send me a good luck text tomorrow, OK?
It would really mean a lot to me to know I'm not alone. As for me, I feel that I am too sad and disheartened to be a good partner to him.
It is hard for me to give him a sincere smile and laugh when I feel exhausted and full of pain from everything that has happened, and I know he is beginning to interpret this as me being disappointed with him. Sorry, this is a disastrous post. I'm overcome with sadness that I cannot heal this relationship with someone who loves me so much.
I need help coming to terms with this. If anyone knows of resources, I would greatly appreciate it. You describe a lot of things you were unhappy with and a lot of your boundaries being ignored. A therapist can help you process this loss and think about what type of relationship you want in the future.
I don't think it matters if this dude is an aspie. For whatever reason, you were not at all ok with a lot of his actions but stayed with him anyway. Make a fresh start and do this for yourself. I've lived your pain. I was with a man who said and did similar or in some cases the exact things you describe. And it is devastating. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, walking away.
I can't even express how much it hurt to get out. I've had a pretty weird life and I've gone through some real shit but walking away from a man I truly loved who treated me like the way you're being treated - that tops my list of bad experiences.
I also suspected that my boyfriend had mental health stuff going on. That may have been the case, but the speculation wasn't particularly helpful for me. It let me justify a lot of his really mean, egregious, downright shitty behaviors, words, and actions.
So I'd try to refrain from asking yourself the ever-enticing why question. In fact, Why does he do that? But what really matters is the how. How does he treat you? By your account, the answer is not great. You say it's sad that you can't repair this relationship with a man who loves you so much. This is not what love looks like. You might love him very much - I loved my man like this so much it hurt - oh, boy, did it hurt - but love doesn't look like this.
Would you treat someone you loved this way? Take care of yourself. I think you're stuck in the impossible to know assumption that "He loves me more than anyone will ever love me," and it's keeping you from really assessing the relationship honestly.
You've tried understanding him through the lens of a possible Asperger's diagnosis. You've tried modifying your communication to be really clear with him about what you need. And you're still not getting what you need. In fact, you're hurting because you've tried so hard to communicate, and he's not able or willing to change. It's possible that he is literally incapable of giving you what you need--and that would be sad, and it would suck, but it would be a very reasonable basis for ending a relationship.
He might be a perfectly lovely guy, who genuinely wants you to be happy and loves you deeply, but if he can't meet your needs as a partner, he's not the right partner for you. It seems like you're surprised someone loves you and wants to be committed to you, and almost like you feel obligated to love him back because he loves you. Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but that's how this comes across to me. Focusing on your own self-esteem for a bit might help. He will hurt everyone who he is ever involved with romantically.
There are many, many more like him out there. The wiser ones stay away. Now, is he still so valuable in your eyes? I was diagnosed with aspergers when i was in primary school. I went to a therapist for years, other stuff was tried, and i'm doing pretty ok now. Stuff like very early in our relationship in which he explained to me that I did not match the physical standards of what he had always imagined for himself in a partner and that he was afraid that one day he would go back to his old ideals and stop loving me because I could not match them.
It doesn't matter why he's doing it. It matters that kind of thing is toxic. It's a backhanded and harsh insult to you wrapped up in thin cloth attempting to make it about himself. Honestly, he sounds a lot like one of my former friends who also had aspergers and was a huge abusive controlling possessive jackass to several friends of mine he dated.
I could grab a bunch of pull quotes from here, like the money thing But i don't need to write some gigantic point by point takedown to say: You are not a bad person if you can't deal with this. You are not obligated to put up with this because he's not neurotypical.
He doesn't deserve that much more or seemingly infinite rope to reel out of your soul and treat you like shit repeatedly. He should not get to stuff you in to a tinier and tinier corner of yourself with his behavior. I have been embarrassing and awful in relationships in the past. So have my non-neurotypical friends. None of us deserved forgiveness when we did those things. It's not your job or obligation to heal him or this relationship.
Ok, on preview, i just gotta do one more. This is just flat out fucking emotionally abusive in my opinion. I've dated someone like this, and so have many of my friends. He can be non neurotypical and a shitty partner without being a shitty partner because he's non neurotypical.
Get away from this and take care of yourself. This person does not respect you or care about you outside of socially not getting some obvious things. Even at my worst, i still wanted to at least talk about what had went wrong and what i had done wrong and try and work on it. That avoidant behavior is something he shares with the "normal" ugh abusive people out there, including ones that ive heard about offline. All the evidence you've told us has shown this is completely false.
He does NOT love you more than anyone ever will. He is NOT committed to you. He does NOT want you to be happy more than anything else. Believe me when I say this. You deserve better than this. Please go see a therapist to reaffirm that this is NOT the relationship for you.
Why the man I love can't love me back
It doesn't matter if he has a disorder, it doesn't excuse this behavior. Leave this person now. Make sure they have none of your banking information. Make sure he does not have a key to your place. Call the police if he shows up at your door or contacts you unannounced. Treat him like a virus. I am astonished at the horrible things that this person has done and you do not deserve it.
You cannot fix it. It is not your problem. There is nothing wrong with you. It will be amazing how good it will feel to find someone who truly does want to see you happy. You cannot do that with this person. NT difference when there has been no diagnosis. Some of his traits and actions are reminiscent of autism, but it could well be something else. Even if he's autistic, I don't think the problems in your relationship are due to your Aspie vs. He's done toxic and abusive things to you.
They have damaged your health. You are in danger and you're still thinking about salvaging the relationship. When you say that you cannot heal your relationship, it seems to me that you think it's entirely your responsibility to sacrifice yourself, wave a magic wand and fix it, that because you think he might be autistic, he doesn't have to do anything. That is not so. There are so many loving relationships between Aspie and NT partners I'm autistic and have only been in relationships with NT partners.
What you're experiencing is not the norm for Aspie-NT relationships. To answer my own question above, I think you are fixating on his possible Aspergers to have an excuse to forgive him for all the bullshit and not to end the relationship because for some reason that scares you.
It's your own choice to make, but this internet stranger suggests you DTMFA and get support for yourself. The bursts of extreme affection only delay the inevitable. You cannot go on like this forever -- you will break up sooner or later. I recommend sooner, for your own well-being.
It will be very challenging to break up with this guy. Plan for that and accept it. Obviously, if it's imminent, call But you shouldn't be the person holding his hand through the post-breakup pain. I wish you strength, healing, and eventual happiness.
You will get there. It will take time, but you will. I'm diagnosed Aspie, and first thing's first: This is not something to put on your partner, full stop. If it was a real issue, he needed to deal with it by his own damn self and not made it your problem, which is isn't. You don't owe him a relationship just because he says he's devoted to you. You say he's committed, but committed to what?
Hanging around, sucking up all your emotional energy? To not give you a call when you needed one? He's either incapable or unwilling to be a real partner to you. It doesn't really matter which. This guy is bleeding you dry, and he will keep doing it if he's given half a chance. That money is well spent! It's what I like to call Fuck That Money tm. It's whatever I have to pay to get effed up people or situations out of my life.
In this case, the amount of money this person stole from you without remorse is the price you paid to find out he is immature, a liar, and a thief. The lack of character you've described is astounding. He was deeply dishonest with you. Everyone knows it is wrong to steal. He stole from you. That's a firm boundary, y'know? I think you were shocked to find out who he really is. What he did is shocking!! Anyway, it's a great idea to break up and go no contact. And like I said, the money is gone, but it was well spent.
I agree with someone up top. I think he is only worried about his ego and presentation to others, so you should expect shenanigans from him - threats to hurt himself, stalker-type grand gestures like showing up on your doorstep, etc.
He will use paying back the money as a way to stay connected. This guy is so narcissistic and obvious. I want you to scrupulously collect everything of his in your home and mail it back to him. Cut all ties, seal off any tiny openings back into your life he might exploit. I want you to tell your friends and family what he did and ask for their support. It's OK that you were in shock for a little while, it was shocking.
You're seeing things clearly now. He stole from you, and he has zero respect for you, and it's over. Cut this guy out of your life. You can do this. And if you ask me, he's a jerk-ass babyman who gives you panic attacks when you think about talking about your life with him.
Someone is out there who will love you tons more than this guy, including the basic things you need. It took me her dumping me because I'd protested against her abusive words, most likely and seeing her fuck over some mutual friends to recognize that it wasn't me being a failure, it was all her trying to justify her abuse.
So what if he has Aspergers? You don't have to put up with this. Get rid of him. Be the person that loves you more than anyone else. You are massively over-relying on that as a cause for his failures as a relationship partner. I had a relationship with someone who I loved deeply, we had a wonderful child and I desperately wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman. So over time I proceeded to make her unremittingly miserable Why? Because of my own shit. Did I want to? Did any of my intentions matter?
The Why is not important. It is slow and laborious process for me to work out and work through why I couldn't make my Ex happy when it was the thing I wanted most in the world but it is not something she has any responsibility for.
It is achingly sad that I would never do those things again and I have pulled my head out of my arse and taken responsibility for my own shit but this is NONE of her concern.
She seems much happier I went minimal contact I am much happier and surprisingly my daughter is much happier. Am I a bad person? But I was a terrible partner and that was and always will be my own damn fault. As she said "Amazing father, shitty boyfriend" So, does he mean it? Does he wish he was nicer? I would assume so. You should leave, for both of your sakes. He is abusive, you deserve better and you will find happiness with someone who not only wants to make you happy, but WILL make you happy.
There are many resources for abused women and domestic violence; avail yourself of them and get the fuck out of dodge. He can deal with his own shit like he should have been doing from day one.
I tried for 2 years to help them both, as I care very much for them both and ended up convinced the only solution was for them to split up. I say this to qualify my advice: Whether he has a form of autism or not is not the issue, as others have pointed out.
In fact it is not helpful to speculate if he has Aspergers, as this makes it harder for you to end the relationship "he can't help being this way You are not a bad person for not being able to deal with him and his behaviour.
It is sad and allow yourself to grieve for what could have been. My good friend separated from him, and this was very hard because he did not grasp or did not want to grasp what she was saying, eg that the relationship is over, and she found herself a therapist and worked through the issues trying to save the other person at the cost of her own health and sanity was a major one and today in fact they have resumed a somewhat normal social relationship we all move in the same social circle still but only after clearly drawing the line.
To be blunt, I think you should get away from this relationship as fast as you can.
He does not "love you more than anyone will ever love you". There are other, better, healthier men out there Men that don't say hurtful things and aren't cold toward you. You deserve to feel happy, desired, loved and cared for in a relationship. He said you "do not match his physical standards"? I think you need to figure out that he does not match YOUR behavioral and inter-personal standards!
A person does not have to physically beat you up to be an abuser. Like others, I do not think the possible Aspergers has much to do with this. Part of the autism spectrum, people with Asperger's have normal or above intelligence and are relatively socially high-functioning. Although they can integrate into society on many levels, they are mainly characterized by having difficulties in communicating.
They can't fully empathize with or understand others, especially in terms of reading their non-verbal information. They show a limited range of emotions and easily feel out of control if routines are not followed.
Looking back, I should have known that he had Asperger's from the beginning. We met at a local restaurant, where he invited me and my friend to join his table.
Within 10 minutes, I learned he had a PhD in mathematics, was 37, lived with a roommate in a small rented flat, worked as a hedge fund manager and was devastated when his ex-girlfriend died of cancer. All of these were red alerts: People with Asperger's are often highly intelligent, austere and have no qualms about revealing personal information to strangers.
Story continues below advertisement As we began dating, signs that something wasn't quite right kept cropping up: His text messages were often one-line responses to mine; when he called, conversations were more like monologues than interactions; if I wanted to discuss his oddness, he would just change the subject.
He loved routines, was in bed by 10 p. I stuck around because there was also a lot of good stuff. We took exotic holidays. He showed me his family's villa.
He was sweet, smart, honest to a fault and sexy. We got to know each other more, and I was falling in love. I desperately wanted to tell him, but waited for him to make the first move. The closest he came was whispering that he didn't want to share me with anyone else.
Although he didn't show affection conventionally, he showed he cared in many other ways, sharing his favourite "alone" spots around the city with me, helping and encouraging me to run a marathon, being there for me when my father was ill.
Yet, I still felt there was something missing. The relationship was stagnating. He insisted on maintaining his routines and refused to sleep at my place. We were inseparable, but I still felt we were somehow separate, disconnected. I poured my heart out to a friend whose son has Asperger's, and she suggested I research it online. It was an eye opener: