How To Break The Silence In Your Relationship | Thought Catalog
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Very often, spouses are convinced that the other spouse is "the problem", and that the only possible solution is that the other spouse change.
They come to counseling in a veritable stalemate. They each refuse to take risks and change their own behavior until the other spouse is changing according to their own criteria.
They often continue to avoid spending time together and use the same old worn out excuses for doing so. The reality is that you cannot achieve the goals of restoring the intimacy and positive feelings in your relationship without taking full responsibility for the part that you play in the problems and in the solutions.
You cannot make any headway without taking risks, even if it seems that the other person is not changing and is not risking. When partners begin to look at their interactions, identify their own areas of responsibility, and take steps to change their own feelings and behavior, the relationship begins to change. The belief about hurt feelings may change from seeing the partner as motivated to be mean, and as having an "I don't care" attitudeto seeing the circumstances in which feelings were hurt as two people simply having conflicting needs at a moment in time.
When you are able to question how you think about your relationship events, your feelings and reactions can change. Your overall attitude toward spouse changes and you can begin to feel loving toward your spouse again.
- 2 Ways to Break Your Communication Stalemate
- Breaking the Stalemate: Using Cognitive Therapy to Change Your Marriage
Partners can begin to begin with gratitude for having their spouse still in their lives, and give consideration to what they can do that day to make life easier or better for their spouse.
This would improve the quality of the interactions between partners.
Breaking the Stalemate: Using Cognitive Therapy to Change Your Marriage
When this happens, partners often attribute the positive changes in the relationship to the other partner changing, when in fact, both partners are changing and contributing to solutions. If you want to restore happiness to your marriageapply a little cognitive therapy to how you look at your spouse and your interactions.
My husband tells me to dress warmly; its cold outside.John Baldoni: How to Break a Stalemate
Belief about the event. What does it mean? My husband thinks I am an idiot and don't know that its cold outside.
How To Break The Silence In Your Relationship
Feelings about the event. How do I feel about what happened?
He is ready to cut them off financially and sees his daughters as spoiled and needing some real life lessons. Joan is afraid Sam is driving their children away and Sam fears their daughters will never make their own way in the world. Check your own course. During difficult times it might be easier to look to your partner as the primary or sole source of the problems between you two. Rather than searching for which one of you is the problem or the stubborn one, take time to check in with yourself.
Think back to a recent conversation with your love that turned into an argument and try to remember how you felt as the conversation escalated. Do your shoulders tend to tense up?
Do knots form in your stomach? Recognize the body signals that you are feeling triggered. Maybe there are specific thoughts that come to you when conflict is revving up.
Once you realize you are shutting down during communication with your partner, you are in a wonderful position!
You can now consciously decide what you want to do next. As painful as it is to feel misunderstood or rejected, it can be empowering to remember you have choices.
You can take the lead and be the one taking steps toward opening up rather than closing down even more. You may want to ask your love to give you a few minutes to clear your head before continuing to talk. During that time, breathe deeply and dismiss from your mind all of those disempowering thoughts.